I met the friendliest cop last night
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
