So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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