I wish life had little blips of pornography
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
