You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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