i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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