anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
