Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
