Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
