You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
