3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
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when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
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i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
and you fell through a lawn chair
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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