Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
