when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
