dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
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I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
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We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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