i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
