in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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