sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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