A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize