he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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