My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
