im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
