Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
