why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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