I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
