I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
