The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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