I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
