Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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