I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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