overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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