but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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