Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
then he tried to convert me to islam
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
