After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I cuddled with a man named Pickles