i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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