does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
it glows. i had to have it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume