just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.