I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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