i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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