I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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