We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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