you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
