So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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