You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
