someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
id be glad to
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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