she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
