Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
