State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
