i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
