The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
