My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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