we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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