don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
