Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
