On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
