May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.