I got chris browned last night
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
