There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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