he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
